Genuine

My classroom has no windows. The girl who sat next to me went for break and came back smelling of cigarettes. I feel my writing in class is boring and flat and grammatically incorrect in the bad way. I think in run on sentences and they transcribe onto the page. My morning teacher is strange and probably a little sad. Grammar is very important to her.

Lately I have been followed by the feeling that I am not living to my fate. I most definitely have not found my purpose yet, but I think I may have turned the wrong way and now am off the path. I am not myself. My thoughts are not mine. They are chaotic and angry and jumbled. Sometimes this is a creative energy. But I feel as if that is not the case with these thoughts. This state of being I have currently found myself in. I feel as if the last few days I have gotten better. But maybe it is easy to get lost again. I am deeply afraid of this.

I want to feel genuine. That’s the word that is locked in my mind as of late. I feel as if I am not being genuine. To myself, and therefore to others. I am lost. I do not recognize my surroundings. The air is thicker here.

I was not aware of this before. But now I am aware. And now I think I am changing. I am taking steps for myself. Doing things that are good for me. Talking the way I talk. Doing the things that feel like myself. I want to continue this growth. I want to find where I feel the most comfortable so that I can see better and hear better and breath better. The muggy air is beginning to bother my asthma.

The moon makes me feel genuine. Both the sunshine and the sound of heavy rain. Going to Corinth to find myself feels genuine. Running away to Greece. Writing as I am now. Eating feels genuine. I need to eat as much as possible, because I am growing weak. At the MoMA, the walls of women giving birth, that created a feeling of genuine I have never felt before. A stronger version. Powerful. I want to feel like that more than I do.

Crying in a way where tears just stream down my cheeks with no cause. Crying that does not create a headache. That feels genuine.