It’s officially been a week since I have written.
Not just blogging, but writing. I haven’t journaled, I haven’t written paragraphs on my third, I haven’t put my thoughts on napkins or old receipts or written little poems for myself on the back of my hand. My thoughts have just all been jumbled in my head with no outlet to let them breath and they are suffocating.
I put my stars on my ceiling and I cleaned my room and I organized my closet and made my bed, all very productive and accomplishing activities, but I don’t feel very productive or accomplished.
I now have abundant free time until I start my classes in April and I am nervous. Now I will not see my friends everyday and now I will not be doing something I love everyday and now I will not be busy and everyone around me will be. Parker will have shut up and I already miss her terribly. I will set the featured image as her because I miss her so. Everyone has school and I do not. I am afraid to spend my days not doing things I enjoy. I could do anything and everything I want, but with no people to do it with, it feels pointless and I feel lonely.
My birthday is two weeks away. I want to do something fun and I want to spend it with everyone I love. But it’s on a Tuesday which makes it not so fun and not so free to do eighteen cool things for a newly cool eighteen year old. But it’s not as scary anymore, so I’m proud of myself for that.
I feel like I am uncomfortably aware of the in between place I have found myself in. I want to fill it with things that can make me a little more comfortable. Fill my days with tea and books and walking everywhere and exploring places by myself and doing things alone so it doesn’t feel so foreign. I hope I can accomplish these things. I know they would make me feel better.