I think I may be sinking.
I usually don’t notice until I’m at the bottom, surrounded by mud, when everything is fuzzy and I can’t breathe without trying very hard and I have to decide either to climb out or stay there for a bit. Sometimes I stay. Sometimes I just wiggle around. Sometimes I climb and dirt gets under my nails.
Right now, the sensation of sinking is very present. This is unusual. And that’s scary. I do no like the feeling.
I don’t feel helpless, but that may be just because I don’t want help. I don’t want to be pulled out. I also don’t want to be sinking. But I don’t want to spend time with my friends and I don’t want to eat and I don’t want to clean my room and I don’t want to really talk to anyone. My phone dies and I don’t plug it in. I begin to text my friends and when they don’t reply, I realize I don’t care. I begin to make plans and then I realize I don’t really want to go. I’m separating myself in a subconscious, self-destructive, semi purposeful way and I don’t mind enough.
I think I may be losing friends and I care but I don’t know if they do and so I don’t want to fix it.
I’m super stuck. And I can’t shake feelings of wanting to be somewhere else and wanting to be someone else and wanting a new life, because that’s what always happens right now, because I’ve never had the same surroundings for such a long period of time and I think my internal clock is freaking out just a little. But I’m also terrified to lose it because this is my life, and I love it, but it always gets changed and I was never afraid of that change before but now I am. I don’t want to be an adult and I don’t want to have new friends and I don’t want to loose my old ones, but I feel like all of these things are going to happen and happen quickly and I don’t want them to. I guess I’m trying to take control of this and so I am sinking away and distancing myself and I really don’t want to, but I have never learned good and productive copying skills so this is what I have.
I just feel blue. Extra blue. I don’t know what to do about it.