Tomorrow I am going to train for my new job and schedule my drug test and meet my boss.
Yesterday I baby sat and hiked and ate a very big hamburger.
Today I got new contacts and watched Kill Bill Vol. 1 and Vol. 2 and made fish tacos for call.
Thursday the show opens.
Next week I have my PCC interviews and my essays are due and I figure out what classes I will sign up for in March.
All of these days I have rehearsal. 4:30 call. Rehearsal for a show where I scream and kick and run and jump and climb and cry. I am very tired.
I am very busy. Super busy. So busy I forget to shower. And I always shower. Like, I love to take showers. And now I keep forgetting because I am busy, and my mind is cluttered, and showers always seem to be put somewhere else when I am thinking of what I need to accomplish.
I love being busy. I love having things to do always and to see my friends and to have plans and to get out and about and to be doing so many things in the present that I don’t have time to obsess about the future. Because I tend to obsess about the future. I love the feeling of going and doing and creating that being busy provides.
But also. I super hate being busy. I super super super hate being busy. I’m not a good busy person. I’m a terrible busy person. When I am in the down time between busy point 1 and busy point 2, I am miserable thinking that options aren’t open because I have to be doing something else very soon. And I love being alone and being in bed or just having the time to do what ever I possible want to do. The feeling of knowing I have to be somewhere or have to do something at a certain time without free moments in between gives me a great deal of anxiety. I don’t like feeling as if I am not free. As if I am trapped. I don’t like plans. I hate plans. Can’t we just say “hey lets go to the beach!” and get in the car and go? Like do we have to plan it? Sometimes, I have very strong urges to just jump in my car and leave because I have a whole Saturday to myself with nothing to do. Sometimes they are very very strong. I beg my mom to let us drive anywhere, spend the day in Seattle, go to the beach, cross the state line just because we can. She hates this. My mother is a huge planner. We cannot go or do anything that isn’t thought through first. We can’t even make surprise trips to the grocery store. I love grocery shopping and I also refuse to make a list. My mom hates this.
The kind of busy I like to be is the busy where you are always doing things, but you could also not be doing things. It’s a choice to be busy. I have been told this is an unrealistic way to live my life. I suppose I need something in between.
But that’s not what I want. I want to be a busy care-free bee. Now that I have written this, all I want is to be somewhere else because I can go there. I hope my twenties are filled with me doing whatever I want. I feel like that sentence was a very seventeen year old thing to say. I love it!