I have bruises all over my body.
And scrapes and scratches and blisters.
Theater is hard.
I am so tired and so sore. The ladder I have to climb as I run away in terror is actually frightening. I am not acting. It is real life fear. Fear for my bruised heels.
We open in a week and I want everyone I have ever met to come see. I am so proud of myself for being cast as the lead, and for being willing to do any crazy thing I am told, and for being able to put my whole self into a piece of art that is collaborative and exciting and absurd. It is the most challenging show I have ever done. I want to push myself the way I have pushed myself the past few months always. It feels more real and rewarding. I like that feeling.
At the same time, I am so afraid that I will fail. And I’ve been trying really hard lately to kick myself out of that mind set. I’ve been taught that failure is good and okay and human, and I believe that, truly with every part of me, but it’s easy to know and harder to execute. My subconscious is stuck in a place where it seeks out imperfections, every little one, and when I feel I could do better, my mind immediately tells me I am not good enough. It wants to be perfect. For everyone to think in their minds as they watch the show that it is amazing and wonderful and strange in all the right ways. But how can it be perfect if I fuck up? If I do something wrong? If Matt cannot get what he wants to see from me? Am I then not good enough? Have I then, with all the work I’ve put in and all the blemishes my body has endured and all of my sweat that has dripped through the floor, have I then failed? Even when I did my best? My hardest? Is that fair? I then think I do not want to fail. I want to be good, so good, really good. I want to succeed.
But that’s not want I want theater to be for me. I want it to be about pushing myself and trying new things and working together with an ensemble that all want to accomplish the same thing. And that is what theater is to me. It’s about working hard for everyone, with everyone. It’s hard to understand. I want to work hard and be good and do my best even when my best might fail. That is the place I am working so hard to get to. That I am trying to teach myself to remember.
I’m not saying the shows going poorly. It’s going amazing! It’s going to be so amazing. I am so proud of everything and everyone. I just don’t want to worry anymore about trying to get it right, because there is no right. I know that. I just need to trick the other parts of myself that have been conditioned otherwise to know it too.
The show is hard.
I am so tired.
There is a deep gash in my foot and a blue bruise on my butt.
I am so excited for opening.
I am so proud.