I love to think about how parts of my life are sectioned off in my mind by the music I listen to. The music I happened to be interested in during that part of my life, that specific chunk of time. It gives me this sense of comfort I rarely feel with my memories. I tend to be very obsessive when it comes to my music. I listen to the same album over and over and over, all day long, every night, every time I shower. Until it changes slowly into something new and equally as addicting. And the part that I really love about this phenomenon is it moves from one to another without me noticing, without a conscious effort. Just suddenly, a new album, a new band, a new part of my life. The Queen Is Dead by The Smiths, The Second Gleam by The Avett Brothers, Funs Cool by The Prettiots, Next Thing by Frankie Cosmos. All with their own specific emotions tied to them. Specific feelings I had during those stages of my life. It’s a hard feeling to explain. To even think about. But when I listen to the albums again, taken out of the concept of compulsiveness, when I decide to listen after time has passed, I am shaken by all of those feelings I had when they were the album. Each one so different, all so specific. And it makes me feel content. Makes me feel really good, in really different ways. And more than anything I always want to strive to be that in-tune with my self at all times.
Currently, the album is Burn Your Fire For No Witness. Angel Olsen has this special ability to fill me with tears and strength all at once. Her voice and her lyrics create a world for me, in me, that I want to feel always. To feel powerful even when there is weakness.
Lately, I have not felt myself. I have felt not so pretty, and not so smart, and not so brave. I have tended to go to a place of telling myself that I am not enough. To a place where I feel small. And frightened. And a little bit nauseous. And I don’t want to be here, in this place. It is sometimes cold and sometimes scary and all I want is to be always warm and always in control. But things are never constant, and sometimes I have rough times, and sometimes they last for longer than I would like them to. And I know I can’t just listen to a song and say to myself that it has the power to make me feel better. I listen, and I am still sad and I am still not so good enough and I am still cold, but I do feel better. And it’s really hard to explain why that is because I don’t really completely understand it. But I think maybe the feelings that the music happens to stir up in me are stronger than the ones I am feeling at the surface, and because of that they stick with me deeper? And so when I listen back to these songs and these albums when their time has expired and I have moved on to something else, they remind me of feeling good and warm and content and strong. And feeling that even when I know I wasn’t good or warm or content makes me still feel strong. And so for this particular album, for this particular time in my life, I know I’m strong even when I’m weak. And I’m so so thankful for that. It makes me feel like I am growing, moving forward, discovering who I am supposed the be for the time being.
So I will burn my fire for no witness! Only myself!