I keep fondly remembering the summer. Nostalgia? I worry that I am always too nostalgic. Too consumed with how things were. The summer was good. Warm and full of energy. And people. And late nights. And early mornings. And the sun and breakfast and puppies and fresh fruit. I miss the summer. I miss how I felt this past summer. I miss who I am in the summer. My past summer was full of friends and theater and cemeteries and the ocean and the stars and being free and being kissed and being happy and being calm. And I miss my summer. And I miss the me that loved that summer.
My dreams recently have been about the ocean and the warmth of the ocean and the feelings I keep when I am close to the ocean. The summer ocean. My dreams remind me of the summer. And the memories are with me all day until I go to sleep again. And the feelings of having normal Vitamin D levels return for small splotches. And the dreams keep me happy. I enjoy having happy dreams. I enjoy feeling good when I wake up. I enjoy my dreams. My dreams of the ocean.
When I am not dreaming of the summer ocean, some of the time I am dreaming of boys. In my dreams, lodged in my subconscious, these boys are kissing me and I am wanting them to kiss me and I am happy they are kissing me. Boys I know, boys I am close to, boys I barely know, boys I make up. Boys, boys, boys. So many boys. All of them kissing me, all of me wanting them to. Recently, I have been so frustrated with every single man in my life. Frustrated and annoyed and exhausted. And when I wake up, I am hit by a loud and annoying truth that I do not want to admit.
I want a boy. I want to feel wanted and liked and maybe a little bit needed by a boy who I want and like and need in a similar way. And it is an exhausting revelation that a fact has become I am a tiny bit lonely, maybe a big bit lonely, and I want something more. And that is terrifying. Terrifying because boys are the worst and terrifying because I am not equipped with the emotional capacity to have a person, a relationship, a real life relationship with a person. And terrifying because there is no boy, no boy who I want to be with, or who wants to be with me, and because of these newly discovered wants and needs, I feel the most vulnerable I have felt in a long time. And a little bit desperate. And a little bit afraid that this vulnerability and desperation will turn into neediness. And I don’t want to ever feel like I need anyone.
I think it comes down to me wanting to feel good. So I have been remembering when I felt good in the summer, and my dreams have helped me to remember those feelings. And now, with me trying to feel good again, like it was six months ago, my mind has envisioned, created, an idealistic world full of summers and dreams and boys.